I think I miss a lot of decent television shows for two reasons really…

1)      I spend entirely too much time on Facebook playing Farm Town.

2)      There are too many channels on cable TV.  You just don’t have enough available hours in the day to watch all of that TV.  Heck, my wife and I haven’t completely caught up on the show 24, and it’s been off the air for awhile now.  (I dig Jack Bauer!  “Drop your weapon!”)

I usually trust the suggestions of this work friend, so my wife and I decided to check it out.  First I watched a couple of episodes online and I have to admit, I was hooked.  Then she and I found it on the History Channel and now we rarely ever miss an episode.

So what’s the appeal for us?  It certainly isn’t the greed that is promoted.  That’s one of the single greatest problems with America today… greed.  A lot of people are only out for a quick buck and often leave a wake of used people behind them.  The two hosts of the show, Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz, often high-five, fist bump and giggle like school kids with a snow day over great “picks” they find in old houses, sheds, buildings and storage units.  With a great deal of skill, they haggle with the owners of old antiques to get the best price possible so they can re-sell any of the items they find at a profit.  Now while most would agree that those are just good business principles to follow, sometimes I feel that they take advantage of people who either need some money for other expenses or simply do not understand the significance of the treasure that they possess.  To me, that’s wrong.  But to Mike and Frank’s credit, I did see an episode where they purchased some old, hand-painted, sideshow banners from a man who was trying to renovate an old amusement park.  They took them to New York to have them appraised and sold them for a sizable profit.  Normally, it would have been smiles and high-fives, but in this episode they drove all the way back to the man they bought the banners from and gave him half of the profit they had made.  Pretty decent of them.

The appeal of the show, as I see it, is the items that they find and where they find them.  Mike and Frank know their stuff when it comes to old, rusty things that most of us would throw away.  If they don’t know, they usually have an expert friend who does know.  They find all of these small slices of history in places where the majority of us wouldn’t think to look or to ask about.  They have the bold characteristics of any good salesmen to sweet talk themselves onto the property of just about anyone, anywhere to dig for treasure buried under mounds and mounds of nothing.  The History Channel, along with Mike and Frank, take the time to explain some of the history behind some of the items they find.  I think that makes the show very rich, much like watching a show about divers finding treasures in the wreckage of a sunken ship and then telling you the history of the items they find.

A second draw for the show is the interesting people that they sweet talk out of “picks”.  Most carry a history or story behind each item Mike and Frank buys from them, which adds another rich layer of the American experience over the last hundred years or more onto the whole “picking” practice.  Whether it’s an old, long-bearded hermit out in the middle of nowhere with an obscure, ancient motorcycle frame or an older adult child wanting Frank and Mike to clean out an old shed that used to belong to their deceased father, you can bet for sure there is an interesting American ready to tell you a really good, old story.  They even “picked” for none other than Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, and his wife in an episode!  And who says there isn’t any quality television these days?!

Just like every other successful show, “Pickers” is spawning similar shows on other cable networks, but none have the dynamics and chemistry that Frank, Mike, and Danielle have.  None of the others shows have a Frank Fritz, whose jaw drops open at the sight of an old motor oil can.  No other show has a Mike Wolfe, who has a distinct fetish for old bicycles and motorcycles and gets giddy at the sight of even a small part from one.  No other show has a Danielle… tattoos and gothy cuteness, always looking for a pay raise from the two guys on the planet who are least likely to give one.  Not to mention the even wider cast of Americans in the most out-of-the-way places who have some of the coolest historical items for the team to pick.  The History Channel couldn’t have “picked” a better show to have on Monday nights!

You can find out more on the History Channel’s website, or the website for Antique Archaeology, the team’s official business website.  This is not a paid endorsement for the show, but if Frank and Mike are reading this, I would appreciate it if you could “pick” me some old Star Wars toys.  Just saying.

You know you’ve done it.  You thought no one was watching and there was a pretty rockin’ tune blaring in your car going down the highway… so you start tapping the wheel.  And then the beat begins to take over and your left foot starts to thump on the floorboard to the song.  Soon, your right thigh becomes a snare drum and before you know it, you’re a highway Alex Van Halen.  The song’s momentum begins to swell to an apex and only one thing will satisfy this moment in time… the graduation tassel that is hanging from your rear-view mirror!  The cymbal crashes each time you hit the tassel and your car drum set is complete.  You are rockin’ better than any air guitarist ever dreamed of!

Since I acquired a new vehicle a little over a year ago, my car drum set hasn’t been complete.  The high school graduation tassel (YEAH CLASS OF 88!!!) that had hung in every vehicle I had driven since age 18 disintegrated with the last truck I owned.  Between the torture of the summer sun beating through the windshield, as well as the regular percussion sessions over countless miles of highway driving, the poor thing just gave up the ghost.  I’ve been lost since.

Oh sure… I’ve tried to play.  The music is always good (and LOUD) in the car, and I haven’t lost the God-given rhythm I possess, but I am tassel-less.  Without a cymbal, it’s just not the same.  I thought that I would either have to hang it up as a highway drummer and just resort to belting out Michael Bolton songs OR finish my college degree program so I can graduate and get some more of that “hang-off-your-square-hat” cymbal goodness.  Either choice left a scowl on my face.

And then I found it!  I had a pretty cool chest of memory stuff from high school that had been up in the attic for years.  Among the photo books, letterman jacket and plastic prom wine glasses I saw it in all its glory… an identical, mint-condition, 1988, red and gray graduation tassel that had never seen the light of day in twenty-plus years!  Apparently I had ordered two tassels and put one away for whatever reason and now that decision was going to save my professional, traveling rhythmist career!  Yes!

I’m forty this year and I’ve felt that I’m beginning the second half of my life.  The half where you try to find significance rather than success.  (Thank you R²!)  But there are a few things from the first half that I’m carrying over, under my arm, until the day they plant me:

1. The preference to be in blue jeans, a tee shirt, and tennis shoes.
2. Loud rock-n-roll playing in whatever car I’m driving.
3. The intense desire to re-grow my beautiful, blonde, 1980′s mullet.  (Although it would be more white than anything now.)
4. The solid fact that pizza is a direct blessing from heaven.  No other food will ever touch it.  Cheeseburgers come close, but will never win.
5. My new (and yet old), symbolic cymbal/graduation tassel.

If you see my car swerving tomorrow, you’ll know why!  Now if I can only get the guy who rides in with me to wail on his air guitar…

Guess what I got in the mail today?  Yes, I did get a few bills but that wasn’t a good guess… that is a daily fact!    Nope folks, today… in the mail… I finally got a rocket-firing, Boba Fett Star Wars action figure!!!  (Crowd roaring and applauding)  I know, I know… “How did you get so lucky Kenny?” you might be asking me right now.  Well, let me give you a little Kenny Hoff history to explain my good fortune.

I am a little kid inside.  There is a part of me that will never grow up, and honestly I think that’s healthy.  The modern, adult life can be extremely stressful and trying sometimes.  Responsibility will give you white hair really fast and so I keep a slice of who I am at about age 9.  I believe that children are the most creative people on the planet and they also see the truth.  It’s not shrouded by all of the rules, etiquette, and mistrust of the adult life.  Childhood is pure until the world spoils it.  That’s why I like to hold on to a part of mine and that’s where my creativity and goofiness come from.

So that 9-year-old in me is a huge Star Wars fan.  Has been since it was 7 years old.  Back before the Empire Strikes Back was released, a special mail-in action figure was offered to the public if you sent in enough UPC symbols from your Star Wars figure packages.  It was a Boba Fett action figure, some new guy that was going to be in the next Star Wars film.  Only I didn’t need to mail in for mine, because some kid gave me his on the playground.  Not sure why, but he did.  Honestly, I didn’t even know it was a Star Wars figure when he gave it to me.  It took me several years to figure that out but it looked cool and it had a backpack that looked like it would fire a red rocket from it, so of course I wanted it when he offered.

The only downside was that the rocket didn’t fire.  I found out years later that a lot of the little boy toys around that time period that fired spring-loaded missles were banned/outlawed because some kid shot a missle down the back of his throat and choked on it.  (I believe he had one of the original, rocket-firing Battlestar Galatica ships.  What moron would do that?  Everyone knows you’re supposed to be aiming them at your little sister’s eye!)  Legislation ensued and suddenly we couldn’t have cool toys anymore.  The prototype for the original Boba Fett action figure had a firing rocket, but was adjusted before actual production and released with a non-firing missle glued into the backpack.  Bummer.

So how did I get my hands on this one?  Honestly, I’m not really sure.  The same process applied today as it did years ago… you send in some UPC symbols and a check and one day several weeks later it shows up on your doorstep.  But this one DOES shoot rockets.  I sort of suddenly feel like an outlaw or something.  I wonder if the cops know about this?  I haven’t heard about any anti-anti-shooting-spring-loaded-plastic-missles-down-your-throat legislature passing through Congress lately.  (Of course those knuckle heads would actually bring something like this to the floor!)  Why is it okay today?

I guess I shouldn’t complain.  The only people who can afford sending off for these things are grown adults with 9 years old inside them, who will debate with themselves for years about taking the stupid thing out of the package.  This is sorta like that old saying about trees making any noise falling if no one’s around to hear it.  Does the rocket really fire if you won’t take it out of the package?

Maybe on my deathbed, I’ll take it out of the package, fire a missle at a nurse, and say I really lived! 

So this past week a travesty took place in America that we need to address.  Just as people get bent out of shape over water-boarding and illegal wire-taps, they should be just as upset about the totally wicked behavior of California law makers.  Our government is beginning to overstep its boundaries when they start banning things like Happy Meal toys!  What else could make a McNugget go down better than a hotwheel or Barbie toy in the same box?  NOTHING I say!

McDonalds has been including toys in its kid’s meal since 1979.  Some of them have been good toys… some not so good, but it does make the meal more appealing to kids (who let’s be real here for a moment… are sometimes incredible picky & difficult when it comes to meal time).  McDonalds does not hide the fact that the regular food usually in a Happy Meal probably isn’t the most healthy, but at least they have taken the initiative to include a few healthier options (such as milk and apple slices) in the past few years.  I say that if you think a Happy Meal is unhealthy for your child to eat, THEN DON’T BUY THEM ONE!!!  Seriously people, what fun is a Happy Meal without the toy?!  It’s not.  Without the toy, it’s just a burger and fries off of their dollar menu, and that still isn’t healthy.

Folks, this trend is a serious one.  While I don’t agree with people smoking and I think it’s gross, if someone wants to smoke… they should be allowed to… in a designated smoking area.  But no… let’s make a bunch of laws and make it illegal to smoke in a public place.  If someone wants a meal because it’s got a toy in it, then they should be allowed to buy it.  Trust me government law-makers… restricting this won’t suddenly make kids healthier!  Unless their parents don’t have enough sense to make them eat healthy meals more than unhealthy meals and can drag their fat butts away from the X-Box occasionally… they’re still going to be obese!  Everything in moderation.  I just think that America is slowly turning into a nation where our “freedoms” are being taken away slowly over time without us noticing.  I’m thinking that the government has run out of good, fruit-bearing legislation so they justify their “law-making” positions with silly crap like this.  Seriously people!!!  If you need something to do, how about going out and talking things over with the people who voted you into office from time-to-time.  Your supporters may have a great idea or opinion to restore this country to a place of more freedom and less government.  How about spending your time looking into important matters like paying educators, soldiers, policeman, and fire-rescue professionals more for the sacrificial jobs they do everyday?  How about making sure cancer is eradicated and making sure that kids have modern equipment, computers and books in schoolrooms?

If we’re not careful America, we’re going to soon have only one government TV station to watch with safe programming… that is unless they take our televisions away because they think we spend too much time in front of them.  Soon, cattle will be extinct because someone in the government is alarmed that red-meat should be outlawed (not to mention a reduction in methane gas production by the bovine community)!  Soon it will be illegal to grow sugar or distribute sugar-containg products.  Where will it end folks.

Remember what happened during prohibition.  Soon we’ll have speak-easys for kids where they have to know a secret knock in order to acquire the latest beany baby or transformer.  Federal agents will raid trucks and break open barrels of illegal, cheap toys that smell like hamburgers.  People will be making french fries in their bath tubs like cheap gin!  Do you really want that?  Do you?!!!

Fight for America people!  Happy Meals are part of that America!  Now if you want to outlaw Ronald McDonald… I would be cool with that.  I hate clowns.

You know what’s wrong with kids today?  One thing, among many, is the severe lack of awesome, half-a-day, Saturday morning cartoonage! 

Where is Bugs Bunny?  Tom & Jerry?  Scooby Doo?  Droopy?  Yoggie Bear & Boo Boo? Seen a Smurf lately?  It’s like they all died and have been buried on Cartoon Network or something.

Why do I bring this complaint you might ask… mostly because my television is held hostage, and not just on Saturday morning either.  Everyday from 3:30PM until 8:30PM, there might as well be only one station… the Disney Channel.  (I should try and get a discount from my cable company because we don’t use any other channels!)  I’m sorry folks, but I’m just a little Hannah Montannaed out!  I have a huge case of Zack-and-Cody-itis! 

I need me some Tex Avery cartoons and some Looney Tunes, in an un-edited and not-so-politically correct, original version!  I watched plenty of Wile E. Coyote getting anvils dropped on him before being blown into a black, crusty pile with eyes and that cartoon violence didn’t turn me into a violent kid.  Seeing “Baby Face” Finster smoking a cigar while shaving didn’t make me want to smoke!  “Wabbit season” and “Duck season” didn’t make me shoot my friends, it just made me laugh!  I want originals people!!

Just before the fall TV season began when we were kids in the 70′s and 80′s, they had a “preview” program where they introduced all of the new cartoon shows and characters to us.  They showed all of these cool new cartoons in the TV Guide, and I tell you… as a kid I got pumped!!!  CAPTAINNNN CAAVVVVVEEEEMMAANNNNN!!!  Bring on the cartoons!!  Where is that now?  I can remember the 3 major networks having an all-out, cartoon war to grab our attentions (and ratings) every September.  Doesn’t happen anymore!

Our kids are missing out on a huge slice of life.  That slice that started your Saturday morning off with a smile between your spoonfuls of Froot Loops.  That slice that gave you an excuse to remain in your PJs until lunch.  That slice that ended by lunch so you could go OUTSIDE and play the rest of the day away.  We wonder why our kids are fat and un-motivated.  Their Disney shows last ALL DAY LONG!

Now there are a few highlights today that I must recognize… Phineas & Ferb is an AWESOME cartoon and has often made me belly laugh!  Very well-written cartoon there!  I also enjoy the Penguins of Madagascar!  Also very clever!  But that’s all the kids have now!

Parents, petition… cry… write your congressman or senator!  We must find a way to bring back decent toonage to the airwaves before our young minds are swept away by Zeke & Luther!

Be-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee… That’s all folks!